Tamara Willems

savouring small streaks of light…

August has a feel
I have written about this before,
I can feel the summer fleeting
the end of carefree days, the return to school, deadlines
and routine
and even though my days no longer really change,
and I have only one child returning to school this year,
a son who is looking forward to a final year of University
this feeling still indelibly washes over me
unannounced, but never
unnoticed
August indeed has a feel
and currently, I
have far too many
feels

Lately,  I have been caught in a funk
still reeling a bit from the death of
a friend
a beautiful light that while I know has not truly  gone out
has certainly caused my own
to flicker
a
little

too much uncertainty
too close
that seems to have hit me hard,
at a time of ebb
and not
flow

Am I the wife, the mother, the friend
I should be?
Have I done enough for my kids, to guide
when all I know how to be is
me?
Caught always in a wish to connect,  and a need to
withdraw
Am I floundering
at
life?

While walking home from the library, hoping to avoid the imminent
forecasted downpour of rain
I notice the sky above me
to one side
a beautiful bright blue with a very definite straight line of clouds
cutting through it
to the other side of this line, a dull ominous sort of
greyish – white
gloom

Is this me, I wonder
this IS where I walk
along this line of small streaks of light and fluffy billows
and the dull, sometimes dark uneasiness of
clouds

I have been struggling with words
how to put these things down here
without allowing this weight
to permanently attach itself to me
who really wants to know that once again I feel like a hippopotamus
walking along the bottom while trying to keep
my head
above
the
water

I started these words yesterday,
then today,  I come upon this…

 “I want to be the me I am when I’m not worrying about being some other kind of me.”

and there it is ..   just what I have been wanting to say,
a gift given to me this morning by the beautiful Jena Schwartz, Promptress, Poet, Fierce Encourager of Writing & Life

and it is here, this friend possibly unknowingly
lends her flame to alight with mine

reminding me quite gently,
I know how to do this
I know how to be quiet
when I need to
I know how to sift through the feelings of loss
and sadness
and
longing
to allow them in, to sit them down to tea
and then
to let them
go

I know how to
surrender
with ease
my worries for the world
and not let them
consume
me

and
I know how to rest in
Gratitude

for simple blessings
for simple words
for simple
kindness

It is not always simple,
this
I know…

but those small streaks of light

are still there
to sustain me

in the days of being,
quite simply
just the
me
it really is ok
for you

to
see ♥

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