Tamara Willems

all I wanted to say was …

Often I hear people say,  “I never read anything that’s long”,
(weird huh!?!),  anyway if this is you,  my apologies, because this story, as it is
turned out
long…  

A few wonderful’s, a couple of not-so-wonderful’s and a bit of sadness …

The first thing I really wanted to share with you this day,
was something wonderful
that I received from my dear husband for Mother’s Day.
As you might or might not know, I have been writing my blog for several years now
what started out as a wee bit of sharing, then became a really lovely gift from a very kind friend, who set me up here and quite wonderfully has blossomed I would say,  into one of my favourite places

to wander.

I started mainly with scribbles on scraps of paper, (which I still do) – but time restraints and convenience has me more often than not now going directly from my head to my laptop.
Being that I am not a very organized or one might say ‘smart’ person –  I don’t necessarily have any real copies of things I have written in their final stages – other than what is posted on the blog.
Occasionally, I have worried …  if anything ever happened to this little spot –  I would have no actual record of my writing.
Late in the day after a rather uneventful Mother’s Day, day (my husband works on just such occasions) – after dinner, after some of the kids have gone back to the tv, and other devices.  My husband brings out a gift.  Wrapped in brown paper.  Happy Mother’s Day  scribbled in black sharpie on top.
I can feel it is some kind of bookish type feel,  (my spidey-senses do tingle!)  Right away I am thinking maybe a scrapbook from the antique mall full of keepsakes that someone has lovingly compiled,  as he does know how very much I would love such a thing.
But when the paper comes off, to reveal a fabulous hot pink binder, full and heavy probably two to three inches thick,   I am indeed intrigued.
Still thinking scrapbook,  I open the cover and the first thing I see is a picture of my Dad.
A great tsunami of a wave of emotion rushes up to bowl me over, as I come to realize –  my husband has printed and compiled the pages of my blog.
Hands to my face, I am somewhat speechless,  and when I look at my husband, whose eyes look much like mine – I can tell this is just the reaction, he was hoping for.
It’s my writing, and pictures well over five hundred he tells me and it’s still two years behind present.
I start to turn pages, and I feel like I should be wearing white gloves, like you would see from someone at a museum.
I go slowly, gently brush my fingers over the words…   as soon as each one appears, I can think of what happened here.  I say to him, “aw, here’s Papa..   ,  and this one is our friend Cowboy,
and this..  oh,  there’s Nancy,
this one,
this one’s Aunt Pat”..  written just four days before she died, when I well knew that she was going
then again, here’s my Dad.
There are beautiful ones, and sad ones, funny ones, timely ones, all of them pieces of me.
And while it might not be what you would call ‘published’  –  it feels very much like it is.
I feel somehow as if I have honoured myself, here in these words and pictures.
And such a feeling is this…
And great love and gratitude for my husband, and this gift..  knows no bounds.

So, I had a plan to write about several things today, yet I’ve probably gone on quite long enough already.
Here  then are a few of the other wonderful things in brief:

Apple blossoms
bumblebees
and
birds

sunshine, blue skies
comfort
and
kindness

And a few not so wonderful,
my washing machine has apparently spun it’s very last spin
and the repairman says,  it’s not worth it to fix
‘You can get a decent replacement for around 500 bucks’, he says
like maybe  I have that sort of money laying around
just waiting to be
spent
and also number 2 son, sends a message from
upstairs
says a payment is due
for his last two remaining courses
“before I forget, Mom”,  he says
and the deadline’s today
“Ok”

After a long day at work, a message from home says,
the dog’s peed on the floor
and an army of black ants are trying to take over the
kitchen!

Enough I say,  “I HAD SOMETHING WONDERFUL I WANTED TO SAY…”

And then,  comes the sad part…

Last August, we had inherited or sort of unknowingly adopted a cat
A cat whose name,  well is kind of complicated – his given name I believe was Rufus, given to him by my Mother-in-law (I think),  and she most frequently called him Lucas,  which happens to be my sons name, so…  awkward!
As my Mother-in-Law is in her 90’s  and she decided she could no longer take care of Rufus/Lucas very well – he was, “given to us” – by way of,  one day while I was away at work,  popped into our house.  Where I should say,  we already have two cats and two dogs.
Our new guest/family member whom my daughters renamed Eric, and because he eats so much and in is quite large I call Heavy D, and since number two son came home from university he calls the cat Mo – has not adjusted so well to our mix, continues to fight with our two cats and for various other health related reasons Rufus/Lucas/Eric/Heavy D/Mo had to leave us today.
And as my husband and I knew,  very much absolutely breaking the heart of my daughter who loved him dearly, as did the rest of us too.
It is still one of  the hardest things about being a parent, trying to find the right words
that you know will undoubtedly crush someone,
break their heart and most probably make them very
angry
with us.
and there is just no way to make it any easier
to face a good-bye.

Today has been rather rough,  on all us.

So there you have it,
a few wonderful’s, a couple of not-so-wonderful’s and a bit of sadness …
you know,  also known as
life

and here,  as I’m sat down to write this,
on my favourite kind of day
outside,
with the sunshine and the flowers
a day when we are all feeling a little
raw

my lovely husband brings out lunch
for the two of us
and
as we sit
right beside us lands
a ruby-throated hummingbird

and there we are
in silent
awe
and somehow, even today,
the world
is wonder –  full
again

so,  here i am,  trying to write it all down,  and maybe once again I haven’t really accomplished much today,
but now I suppose,
I have,  at the very least,
added another page
in
my
book ♥

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