Boxes had been piling up for weeks or
months really
and by about ten o’clock this morning
they were
all
gone
my son moves out today
or
has done, I guess
moving in with his longtime girlfriend
finally, after a bit of pandemic interruption
starting ‘grown-up’ life
together
which is wonderful and she is
wonderful
and in most ways, I couldn’t be happier for them
I certainly know well the feelings of being young, in love
and wanting more from life, than saying goodnight each night
returning separately to your parents’ house
but still
my goodness, today feels… a little empty here
as I kind of knew it would
and really, I don’t need you to tell me this is the way it should be
your kids move out, I get that
still, doesn’t take away how much I like having them here
this morning we talk briefly and lightly
about Christmas
and I realize it won’t be the same
no more the six of us sleepily gathered in a small space
going through our Christmas morning routine
as we have always done
I guess this year will just be, a little bit
different
are we as parents destined to forever wonder if we have given
enough
this past week felt long, anxiety was high and I was
troubled about things
the where’s, the why’s and how comes
weighed heavily and I felt weak and
tired,
I walked myself through in a kind of foggish-ness
and fret
(seems like a ridiculous way to spend your days)
you know I will also tell myself this
and try not to write about the questions I’ve been
churning
lest you think that I’d walked through the streets naked
baring all but post-it notes and
pins
having inadvertently locked the kinder more sensible parts of myself
out in the cold
instead, today what I choose to do is
take a deep breath
and a long hot shower
pour myself a large glass of lemon water
walk through the empty spaces
breathe
practice gratitude and kinder thoughts for
tender hearts
and when the cat suddenly throws up all over the floor
I find this is exactly
the right time
to let the tears fall ♥