This morning, I’m awake too early
still feeling myself to be in that sort of unknown kind of place
the lump in my throat
holds the gathering of tears, maybe I’m afraid
yet
to fully let go
it always comes as such hard thing, you know
facing our own mortality
feeling sometimes, our regrets, our
failings
feeling possibly our own sad attempts to pull someone up
without somewhat unavoidably
being tugged under
our guilt maybe, of just how we might have helped
curbed
or even (feebly) cured
for some of us frustration feels familiar
having said to a friend yesterday, this one feels just
too close to the bone
maybe we have been mourning for some time now
the loss of a friend or partner, who was
no longer
himself
who for reasons we don’t always want to face
couldn’t seem to help himself
pick himself up and just
get on with it
who if asked would tell you he was fine,
things were great
life was grand and simple, just the way he liked it
but had already lost so much, and had begun instead
to isolate
it just happened so fast, I say to my husband
in stunned disbelief
not really at all, he says
no,
not really at all
alcohol, I can tell you is a slow arduous, lonesome decline
a vicious circle of need and denial, of strength and
despair
of coping and of crashing
of regret and resign
it hijacks the spirit of someone sacred
and leaves a decimated
shell in its place
it is cruel and it is colourless and it is no more
the picture of the person
you
loved
so curse it, and allow great tears of anger
to burn it down
then for time, just be still
and let it settle softly on your heart
let it feel heavy and hurtful
let it tie you in knots
let it pull, let pinch
let it break your heart into a million little pieces
allow yourself to feel tender
and torn
and just breathe
but then, bring it back to a memory
or a story you’d tell
of a time you could never forget
of the laughter, and the love
of the wild and the wonderful
of the friendships, of fishing, of fun
you know I can tell you, he never meant to stay here forever
we just kind of wish
that maybe that last time
we had all held on
a little
tighter ♥
just a little bit longer…
