Tamara Willems

just a little bit longer…

This morning, I’m awake too early 
still feeling myself to be in that sort of unknown kind of place 
the lump in my throat 
holds the gathering of tears, maybe I’m afraid  
yet  
to fully let go 
it always comes as such hard thing, you know 
facing our own mortality 
feeling sometimes, our regrets, our  
failings 
feeling possibly our own sad attempts to pull someone up 
without somewhat unavoidably 
being tugged under 
our guilt maybe, of just how we might have helped 
curbed 
or even (feebly) cured  
for some of us frustration feels familiar 
having said to a friend yesterday, this one feels just 
too close to the bone 
maybe we have been mourning for some time now 
the loss of a friend or partner, who was  
no longer 
himself 
who for reasons we don’t always want to face 
couldn’t seem to help himself 
pick himself up and just  
get on with it 
who if asked would tell you he was fine, 
things were great 
life was grand and simple, just the way he liked it 
but had already lost so much, and had begun instead 
to isolate 
 
it just happened so fast, I say to my husband 
in stunned disbelief 
not really at all, he says 
no,  
not really at all 
 
alcohol, I can tell you is a slow arduous, lonesome decline 
a vicious circle of need and denial, of strength and 
despair 
of coping and of crashing 
of regret and resign 
 
it hijacks the spirit of someone sacred 
and leaves a decimated 
shell in its place 
it is cruel and it is colourless and it is no more  
the picture of the person  
you  
loved 
 
so curse it, and allow great tears of anger  
to burn it down 
 
then for time, just be still 
and let it settle softly on your heart 
let it feel heavy and hurtful
let it tie you in knots 
let it pull, let pinch 
let it break your heart into a million little pieces 
allow yourself to feel tender 
and torn 
 
and just breathe 
 
but then, bring it back to a memory 
or a story you’d tell  
of a time you could never forget 
of the laughter, and the love 
of the wild and the wonderful 
of the friendships, of fishing, of fun 
 
you know I can tell you, he never meant to stay here forever 
we just kind of wish 
that maybe that last time 
we had all held on  
a little 
tighter  ♥

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