This morning skies are overcast
\nand dull
\nit is humid
\nand I am in need
\nof time
\nto empty out the contents
\nof a tired mind
\noverrun by
\nwild monkeys<\/p>\n
This morning I am reading about mercy
\nand kindness,
\nand how we offer this to others and
\nto ourselves
\nI am reading about struggles and questions
\nand that forever trusted friend, who you call
\nfor comfort, for reassurance or
\nfor reason<\/p>\n
Today, in these words I find myself
\nmissing my Aunt Pat, (as I often do)
\nToday is her birthday
\nIt\u2019s funny, she always used to say to me, in sorting through
\nthe stuff of families,\u00a0 \u201cYou should write a book!\u201d
\nand we would laugh…
\nyet here I am again,
\nwriting<\/p>\n
One of the last times we had a real visit together,\u00a0 my Aunt Pat had been quite sick with what we thought at the time was a rather nasty flu
\nAn overdue, much needed and much appreciated visit for both of us
\nquality time spent
\ntogether
\nwe talked about life and things
\nand memories, growing up and growing families
\nand as she had been ill,
\nthe last thing I said to her before leaving after ‘I love you’ of course, \u00a0I said to her \u201cWell, I am glad to see\u00a0 you looking like yourself\u201d\u00a0 (denoting my great fear of some day discovering that my beloved Aunt and dear, dear friend had suddenly aged)
\nShe stopped me in my leaving, \u00a0making sure she had my full attention, she said to me,
\n\u201cbut I am not myself Tam..\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 you know that,\u00a0\u00a0 I am not \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
And this proved true, as the next time I saw her, very shortly after this was in the hospital and to my (foolish I suppose) surprise in fact, in ICU.
\nWhere I quickly found that she was indeed not herself,\u00a0 she was in fact in the very definite and very real stages of dying.
\nOver the next four days I came to realize that in these last words, of fleeting conversation, I had received her greatest kindness – in somehow subtlety preparing me \u2026
\nfor her leaving.
\nAnd in this very profound kindness,
\nshe gave me the courage I needed
\nto let her go,
\nand in doing so,
\nto not lose myself in her
\npassing.<\/p>\n
I think of this often, when I think of my Aunt Pat and all that she meant to me (and still does), in the great gifts that she offered me with love, friendship, wisdom and kindness, unfailing support, connection and grounding.
\nAnd I hope that I somehow, offered her the same.\u00a0 We buoyed each other I believe, in a sometimes harsh,
\nyet always hopeful,
\nand beautiful world.<\/p>\n
We weren\u2019t constantly in touch, \u00a0didn\u2019t talk every day,
\nbut I guess I miss knowing she was there\u2026
\nmaybe in this rush of feeling today, she is missing me too<\/p>\n
just now as I am sitting outside in sunshine and the quietness of my garden
\nto write some thoughts,
\na sudden flutter and a flap
\nand a chickadee lands right on the top left corner
\nof my laptop
\nI am startled, and a gasp catches my breath
\nand then my heart<\/p>\n
and then just as suddenly
\nI am awash
\nin a flood of tears<\/p>\n
my heart pounds
\nand I allow all of it\u2019s
\ncontents to tumble
\nout<\/p>\n
when this little chickadee comes back
\nto preen on a branch near me
\nI catch my breath,
\nI whisper a Happy Birthday to my Aunt Pat
\nand
\nI allow for a few more tears<\/p>\n
then
\nI get up
\nI seek out my place in the sun
\nwhere I raise my face
\nand my arms
\nand I
\nsay
\nthank you<\/p>\n
I gather up the pieces
\nof me
\nas bits of golden sunlight
\nrain down
\nto repair the cracks<\/p>\n
I guess, \u00a0I just miss knowing she was there\u2026
\nsome how today,
\nthis morning,
\nin sitting with this,
\nI find the comfort I needed
\nin knowing\u2026<\/p>\n
she
\nstill
\nis \u00a0\u2665<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
and to my Uncle John, \u00a0 I love you xx<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This morning skies are overcast and dull it is humid and I am in need of time to empty out the contents of a tired mind overrun by wild monkeys This morning I am reading about mercy and kindness, and…
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