Hormones are hard.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m just going to put it out there.
\nAnd sometimes the natural rhythms of life are hard too.
\nI have well and truly hit the funk of August, which happens to be a natural rhythm of life for me.\u00a0 I know this well, as I know myself.\u00a0 Also since I have been blogging thoughts, feelings and general bits of nothingness for a few years now –\u00a0 if I look to other posts from this time of August there seems to be a rather blatant theme.
\nI feel a bit, the end of things..\u00a0 to come.\u00a0 Of a season that I love.\u00a0 Of the beautiful things where I wander.\u00a0\u00a0 I feel the dread of back to school.\u00a0 Which in itself is funny,\u00a0 because I am far past having to return,\u00a0 and now most of my kids are too –\u00a0 but still..\u00a0 it\u2019s there.
\nBut really it is the weighty-ness of things that seem to have attached themselves to my heels. Or possibly it is the loftiness of my anchor, that is causing me
\nto spin.
\nI start to wonder what it might be like if I had been good at something.
\nWith no positive sign what that something might even be.
\nAm I a good parent, have I even mothered well?
\nAm I the wife my husband needs?
\nI am admittedly a terrible housewife,\u00a0 rarely remember things, a very non-traditional gardener, someone skilled would see I don’t do it well.
\nOr really do I do anything..\u00a0 well?
\nThe recent soreness in my leg, worries me a little \u2013 but badgers my mind most in acknowledging my lack of purposeful physical activity.
\nI don\u2019t feel much like eating, yet simultaneously wishing most for a bottomless carton of cookies to always be at my disposal.
\nMy face breaks out..\u00a0 and my mirrors are bitchy.
\nI cry,\u00a0 in the shower.
\nI am not doing enough, I am not being enough..\u00a0\u00a0 I am not
\nenough.
\nWhat the hell then,\u00a0 am I?<\/p>\n
Lucky for you I suppose, as reader, I hesitate blogging for a few days (even though the pull to write is always there) as to not come across as depressing and pathetic.\u00a0 But often holding things in, or rather letting them run wild in my head, \u00a0feels harder than trying to outrun, \u00a0or more to truth \u2018out crawl\u2019 my bothersome shadow.
\nEven as I write this, tears periodically stream down my cheeks.<\/p>\n
But hopefully you stay with me here,\u00a0 and continue reading as I don\u2019t believe this is either depressing or pathetic –\u00a0 what it is you see .. (hopefully you see)\u00a0 \u00a0is real.
\nReal feelings,\u00a0 real life,\u00a0 real nasty hormones ..\u00a0 and sometimes really hard.
\nI don\u2019t write these things for sympathy, or for drama.\u00a0 I write things down to sort them out.
\nTo sift through irrational thoughts,\u00a0 of ridiculous things.\u00a0 And as I often say,
\nto ease myself through..\u00a0 because I do know, so very well, \u00a0when I am needing
\nease.
\nI try to be a little more quiet and to myself, when I am fighting a battle.. within.\u00a0 I know when it\u2019s coming,\u00a0 I can feel its weight.\u00a0 I try to warn those closest to me.\u00a0 I tell my husband, \u201cI am going down to funky town\u201d as tears spill for no apparent reason.
\nSometimes, I tell him, \u201cI am going under\u201d and he can see that I need extra love, or most times, extra space.<\/p>\n
I guess I also write things down for my kids, (should they ever happen to read this) \u00a0to know me.\u00a0 To know that (obviously) we\/I don\u2019t always have things together, and that’s ok.
\nToo I suppose, I write this here for anyone who may come upon these words and maybe find something that makes them think –\u00a0 yeah, I get that. \u00a0To simply make one think of not being so hard on yourself.\u00a0 We all have days when life and things, and You yourself are simply fantastic, UNSTOPPABLE!!
\nBut then, you know..\u00a0 some days you hit a wave.\u00a0 Or unexpectedly a wave ..\u00a0 hits you.
\nAnd maybe it even knocks you right off your feet.
\nAnd you find yourself scrambling for a time, trying to find which end is up.\u00a0 Trying desperately to regain some footing.<\/p>\n
All I can offer you is this,\u00a0 and I am no expert (at anything..\u00a0 we established that)\u00a0 –\u00a0 there is so much value in living gratitude.
\nin always acknowledging things you can be grateful
\nfor
\nin simple kindness,\u00a0 offered to others, offered to the world,
\noffered to
\nYourself \u00a0\u00a0(cause you\u2019re gonna need it!)
\nAlso in feeling things,\u00a0 in letting them come \u2013 instead of fighting against
\nin really feeling it
\nbut as the lovely Jennifer Pastiloff would say, \u201cNot wallowing in your own suckery\u201d
\nBecause you know, life is wonderful
\nAnd you are
\nWonderful
\nAnd every day there is some little pebble of wonderful that you can collect
\nand slip just gently
\nin your pocket.<\/p>\n
So that when your flame starts to flicker
\nit is there
\nthat you can find
\nthat little spark
\nyou need<\/p>\n
to light your way.\u00a0 \u00a0\u2665<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
*(current status:\u00a0 photo credit to my daughter, of her Angus – who is a lovely boy, <\/p>\n “When we meet ourselves with loving awareness and self-compassion,<\/span><\/strong><\/em> Hormones are hard. I\u2019m just going to put it out there. And sometimes the natural rhythms of life are hard too. I have well and truly hit the funk of August, which happens to be a natural rhythm of life…
\nbut you know ..\u00a0 a cat)<\/em><\/p>\n
\n\u00a0 we can see the beauty in others.”\u00a0 ~ Jack Kornfield<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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