This morning, I\u2019m awake too early\u00a0
still feeling myself to be in that sort of unknown kind of place\u00a0
the lump in my throat\u00a0
holds the gathering of tears, maybe I\u2019m afraid \u00a0
yet \u00a0
to fully let go\u00a0
it always comes as such hard thing, you know\u00a0
facing our own mortality\u00a0
feeling sometimes, our regrets, our \u00a0
failings\u00a0
feeling possibly our own sad attempts to pull someone up\u00a0
without somewhat unavoidably\u00a0
being tugged under\u00a0
our guilt maybe, of just how we might have helped\u00a0
curbed\u00a0
or even (feebly) cured \u00a0
for some of us frustration feels familiar\u00a0
having said to a friend yesterday, this one feels just\u00a0
too close to the bone\u00a0
maybe we have been mourning for some time now\u00a0
the loss of a friend or partner, who was \u00a0
no longer\u00a0
himself\u00a0
who for reasons we don\u2019t always want to face\u00a0
couldn\u2019t seem to help himself\u00a0
pick himself up and just \u00a0
get on with it\u00a0
who if asked would tell you he was fine,\u00a0
things were great\u00a0
life was grand and simple, just the way he liked it\u00a0
but had already lost so much, and had begun instead\u00a0
to isolate\u00a0
\u00a0
it just happened so fast, I say to my husband\u00a0
in stunned disbelief\u00a0
not really at all, he says\u00a0
no, \u00a0
not really at all\u00a0
\u00a0
alcohol, I can tell you is a slow arduous, lonesome decline\u00a0
a vicious circle of need and denial, of strength and\u00a0
despair\u00a0
of coping and of crashing\u00a0
of regret and resign\u00a0
\u00a0
it hijacks the spirit of someone sacred\u00a0
and leaves a decimated\u00a0
shell in its place\u00a0
it is cruel and it is colourless and it is no more \u00a0
the picture of the person \u00a0
you \u00a0
loved\u00a0
\u00a0
so curse it, and allow great tears of anger \u00a0
to burn it down\u00a0
\u00a0
then for time, just be still\u00a0
and let it settle softly on your heart\u00a0
let it feel heavy and hurtful
let it tie you in knots\u00a0
let it pull, let pinch\u00a0
let it break your heart into a million little pieces\u00a0
allow yourself to feel tender\u00a0
and torn\u00a0
\u00a0
and just breathe\u00a0
\u00a0
but then, bring it back to a memory\u00a0
or a story you\u2019d tell \u00a0
of a time you could\u00a0never forget\u00a0
of the laughter, and the love\u00a0
of the wild and the wonderful\u00a0
of the friendships, of fishing, of fun\u00a0
\u00a0
you know I can tell you, he never meant to stay here forever\u00a0
we just kind of wish\u00a0
that maybe that last time\u00a0
we had all held on \u00a0
a little\u00a0
tighter \u00a0\u2665<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This morning, I\u2019m awake too early\u00a0still feeling myself to be in that sort of unknown kind of place\u00a0the lump in my throat\u00a0holds the gathering of tears, maybe I\u2019m afraid \u00a0yet \u00a0to fully let go\u00a0it always comes as such hard thing,…
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