{"id":952,"date":"2016-11-18T17:00:12","date_gmt":"2016-11-18T22:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/?p=952"},"modified":"2017-01-18T15:49:45","modified_gmt":"2017-01-18T20:49:45","slug":"952","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/?p=952","title":{"rendered":"in my choosing…"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ve just been to pick up a book at the library, \u00a0it’s called The Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit. \u00a0I’m not ready for it, as I am still about 200 pages away from finishing one, but sometimes this is just how things come … maybe\u00a0before we are ready, maybe, when we need them.<\/em><\/p>\n

I miss my Aunt Pat.
\nShe was my Faraway Nearby
\nWe understood each other,
\nwe learned from each other, we taught
\neach other
\nwe weren’t ‘phone people’
\nwe weren’t constantly in touch
\nbut we stayed very much
\nconnected
\nby the heart
\nShe was
\nmy anchor.
\nOne of the greatest gifts of love she gave me, was late in the evening, \u00a0the day of my Dad’s funeral, she called me from Texas (where she and my Uncle John wintered) and she said to me,
\n“How are you? \u00a0How was it? \u00a0You don’t have to tell me about it, just tell me, \u00a0if You are ok?”<\/em>
\nand I, \u00a0completely exhausted and wrung out from the day,
\nand sadness, said that I was ok.
\nShe said, “good, ok .. \u00a0 I’ll talk to you later..”
\n<\/em>and it was just that short,
\nand that sweet,
\nand it meant the world to me, and still does.<\/p>\n

I tend to read a lot of non fiction, I like learning how
\npeople, places and things
\ncame to be
\nI like the Art
\nof becoming<\/p>\n

I read a lot about families
\nand family dynamics<\/p>\n

and often this has me thinking about
\nmy own family
\nand that silly word
\ndysfunction
\nlike any of us could possibly avoid it<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess you could say
\nI come from a broken home<\/span>
\nnot broken in the ‘traditional’ sense<\/span>
\nmy parents stayed married to each other<\/span>
\nfor 48 years
\nand were in some ways a wonderful example<\/span>
\nof faith, commitment and love<\/span><\/p>\n

but my father\u00a0<\/span>
\nwas an alcoholic<\/span>
\nand my parents undying love for each other<\/span>
\nI think left hidden, and<\/span>
\nnot so hidden
\nbittersweet\u00a0<\/span>
\nstains\u00a0<\/span>
\non each of our lives<\/span><\/p>\n

I’ve written of my Dad before,\u00a0<\/span>
\nhe was wonderful and\u00a0<\/span>smart,<\/span>
\nloving and gentle<\/span>
\nbut he could also be\u00a0<\/span>
\nselfish in his addictions<\/span>
\nirresponsible, and<\/span>
\nembarrassing<\/span><\/p>\n

he was always however,
\ninherently<\/span>
\nkind<\/p>\n

my Mother for her part
\nwas strong, and generous
\ncreative and caring
\nbut she could also be
\noverwhelmed, and overwrought<\/span>
\nat times irrational<\/span>
\nand bitter<\/span>
\n
\nshe was, and still is
\nalways<\/span>
\ninherently<\/span>
\nkind<\/p>\n

for a time\u00a0<\/span>
\nin my early twenties
\nmy parents lived with me<\/span>
\nand then just downstairs<\/span>
\nfrom me<\/p>\n

after I was married
\nand had moved away<\/span>
\nmy parents<\/span>
\nand my Gran
\nmoved
\ncloser to
\nme<\/p>\n

as my father’s health
\nrose and fell
\nwith the nature of his disease
\nmy Mother
\nrose and fell
\nwith it
\nsoon there was more falling
\nless rising<\/p>\n

add to this
\na rather tumultuous relationship
\nwith my father-in-law<\/p>\n

and I
\nin the midst of raising my own young family
\ntried to gather
\nthe pieces
\nand just to
\nhold on<\/p>\n

we all of course
\nbring shades of our environment
\nwith us
\nwhen we go
\nand I
\nat one point
\nfound myself
\ndrowning
\nin the dull weight
\nof
\ndependence<\/p>\n

buoyed by a tremendously loving
\nand supportive husband
\nI anchored myself in the love of
\nmy little family
\nand made a conscious decision
\nto push it all out
\nand to keep it out
\nof my house
\nallowing only Love
\nto enter here<\/p>\n

and in doing this
\nI was able to care for my Father
\nat the end of his life
\nto keep him safe, and to bring him Love
\nand gentleness, when he needed it<\/p>\n

I was able to feel forgiveness for my Mother
\nwhen she was
\nunable
\nto cope
\nand we were expected
\nto shoulder<\/p>\n

and I was able
\nto
\nexpand
\nwith Love
\nand with
\nGratitude
\nbecause I made it my choice
\nto do so
\nas my saving<\/p>\n

and every day
\nevery
\nday
\nI continue
\nto make it so.<\/p>\n

in my\u00a0 garden, as I wander, and these words form in my head, I stop to raise my face to the sun – and right beside me,\u00a0<\/em>
\nI mean RIGHT beside my face sits a cardinal …..<\/em><\/p>\n

and there it is<\/em>
\nmy ‘faraway nearby’ \u00a0\u2665<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve just been to pick up a book at the library, \u00a0it’s called The Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit. \u00a0I’m not ready for it, as I am still about 200 pages away from finishing one, but sometimes this is just…
Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":957,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-952","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/952","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=952"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/952\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1069,"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/952\/revisions\/1069"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=952"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=952"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tamara.tedzplace.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=952"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}