Today I’m thinking about vulnerability and self-exposure
I’m thinking about thoughts, feelings and being afraid
of things…
of many things
some days, of most
every
thing
also though, as usual I am thinking too
about
being
brave
common themes here, I know
last weekend I read the book I Am, I Am, I Am: Seventeen Brushes with Death
by Maggie O’Farrell
which was a fantastic, absorbing yet also terrifying read
not in the psychotic thriller sort of way
it was a memoir
about in part the fragility I guess,
of life
very well written and I would say a really, really good read
but while one review I read said it leaves one ‘feeling grateful and fully alive’
it kind of rattled my bones a little
it stays with me (always the sign of a good book)
and it has me wondering, why… why do I need a book about inherent dangers
that underline things that scare me .. and obviously for good reason!?!
the outside world, IS scary… I knew it!
Why, why did I read that?
so next I turn to Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes,
it too has come to me at what seems like the right
time
and when I am only in chapter 2, I read this –
“That seems like a much better plan than going out in public with every nerve ending in my body screaming.
This is who I am.
Silent.
Quiet.
Interior.
More comfortable with books than new situations.
Content to live within my imagination.
I’ve lived inside my head since I was a kid. … “
ah yes, I think to myself, now this feels like
home
I believe I know her
I am not very far in, and I certainly have no immediate intentions
or even aspirations of suddenly saying Yes to everything
I am, at this stage of my life very comfortable with
a simple – no Thank you
with just sometimes
the occasional… yes
anyway, as mentioned above, what I’m thinking about in all this — blather (if you’re still here)
what I’m thinking about
is
vulnerability
and writers in general
writers of books, and writers of songs
and yes writers of … blogs,
sharers
and how very brave it can be to share our ‘less thans’
things that make us scared, and uncomfortable and
real
not just the shiny things, the perfect things, the accomplishments
but also the dumb things, the not well handled things, the un-rationality of things
the failure
of
things
to open up the whole box of things
and leave it there (here)
for
inspection
to be criticized, brushed off, picked at,
pitied
scary sometimes, that’s true
‘I guess you know, it was You, who left it open’…
but still I think, the realness, the openness, the sharing
absolutely worth it
for just that one time, someone happens along
at just the right moment, and finds
in this whole mess of things
there own
recognizable
treasure
that one perfectly wonderful piece
that seems to fit just so
in their own true
heart
such a treasure, is this ♥
always, with gratitude
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” ~ Brene Brown