This morning I am so socked in from my allergies
that I can hardly breathe in
and as per most mornings, the fingers on my right hand are very slow
to move
feeling so very bone tired this week,
I have started my day with a much needed, lie in
early to bed … late to rise
and even this does not start my day with a smile
but rather a whinge-ful drag of myself down the stairs
and a grumble into the kitchen
when I finally do get to my coffee, I stumble zombie-like outside for a sit
and It’s the most glorious day, waiting
to see
me
sunshine and birdsong
when I look up at the sky, it is as blue as blue could possibly be
as far as the eye can see
it feels infinite… and now looking up, is when I smile
I feed the birds, fill up the bird baths and then
I feed the fish
while I sit quietly soaking this in, I think about just how very much I appreciate
the company of fish
I write often about the pond, its peace and tranquility
and just how much time I spend, gazing here
what is known to us now as the ‘big’ pond is in a state of transition
this year it is in need of a large bit of maintenance, and we are reluctant to disturb much, as among other wild life – it is currently full of tadpoles
and so it sits, completely covered over in duckweed, and I am unable to watch much
or see beyond the
mystery
the bright spot here is that this year we have added another ‘little’ pond
and we decided to put it in just beside where we sit most often
it is quite small, it reminds me of my grandmothers, which was to be found in the garden
just outside the back door
this morning while I sit with my coffee and book, sunshine on one shoulder
under a vast blue sky
I watch the fish, and we enjoy a kind of telepathic conversation
I am floating rather luxuriously I guess you could say, through a wonderful book –
that I will speak about at another time
it is one that somehow seems to have been speaking to me, for awhile
and since finally acquiring it, I have held it and lightly brushed its cover with my fingertips
but not yet opened
as to not spoil it before I had time to be consumed
I am not someone who reads for mass volume
that is to say to get through as many as I can, I don’t set a goal, or make a pledge
to read this many books by such a time
I like the ones that seem to find me
and I try to intentionally take in every word, when there are things I hope to learn
or words from someone who has me constantly nodding my head or
suddenly closing the book and clutching it to my chest when I feel overwhelmed by the sensation that these words might possibly be written on my very own heart
a pretty fantastic feeling, I can tell you
and this one, is just such a book
but I will leave that for now, as I am only part way through,
and I just don’t want to break the spell of this
so here I am sat in the company of my fish
and I am thinking about how very much I have come to enjoy and do very much need the beautiful solitude of my back garden
the sanctity and for me the safety and comfort
of this
I am thinking about a few very important friends, that much like my fish
really do honour me in the way that they seem to accept my alone-ness
how they have remained the loveliest of cherished friends, knowing I don’t use the telephone
I don’t like ‘the drop in’
I don’t believe in ‘transactional’ friendship – you do this or else!
I don’t engage a lot socially
and I don’t really have any wish to be different
I like
to be
here
the baby cardinals come to the bird bath and I marvel in their glory
they are so lovely, and I am so grateful that they find refuge in my garden every year
I watch the squirrels and a the little chipmunk as he gingerly sneaks his way in for treats
I make my rounds of greeting the flowers, sure to complement their beauty
then again
I sit, just quietly, while we
commune
the sound of the gate makes me tumble out of my book
and I see my daughter’s friend arrive
a familiar face
first I notice her lovely striped dress, and her smile
and then
I notice… she is pregnant
a fact, I did not know, until just this moment
after greetings, she goes into the house
and I have to walk to another part of the garden
as rather suddenly, I find myself swept with emotion,
unable to hold back tears
caught somehow in the sadness of the world
in the
lost innocence of youth
in the sometimes desperate need to know
love
and I love babies, I really do and it is not my place nor my intention to judge
anyone, at any time
but young girls having babies, just makes me so sad…
a lawn mower starts and I notice the smell of fresh cut grass
a blue jay sweeps in and picks out a peanut
a butterfly dances through my field of vision
and the fish come to the surface to whisper words of wisdom
this I suppose is why I appreciate the solitude of my garden so very much
as I seem to ride on waves or currents of the wind
as the sadness of the world grabs hold
and then passes through my heart
I take it in,
and I cradle it there… for just a little bit
i hold it, and then
I try to infuse it with love
before letting it go
back out
on to the breeze
I take a little walk,
I wipe a tear
I breathe (as best I can)
I expand myself with love,
with light
with gratitude
and then..
I go back
and sit for a time
and just listen…
to
the
fish ♥