Hormones are hard.
I’m just going to put it out there.
And sometimes the natural rhythms of life are hard too.
I have well and truly hit the funk of August, which happens to be a natural rhythm of life for me. I know this well, as I know myself. Also since I have been blogging thoughts, feelings and general bits of nothingness for a few years now – if I look to other posts from this time of August there seems to be a rather blatant theme.
I feel a bit, the end of things.. to come. Of a season that I love. Of the beautiful things where I wander. I feel the dread of back to school. Which in itself is funny, because I am far past having to return, and now most of my kids are too – but still.. it’s there.
But really it is the weighty-ness of things that seem to have attached themselves to my heels. Or possibly it is the loftiness of my anchor, that is causing me
to spin.
I start to wonder what it might be like if I had been good at something.
With no positive sign what that something might even be.
Am I a good parent, have I even mothered well?
Am I the wife my husband needs?
I am admittedly a terrible housewife, rarely remember things, a very non-traditional gardener, someone skilled would see I don’t do it well.
Or really do I do anything.. well?
The recent soreness in my leg, worries me a little – but badgers my mind most in acknowledging my lack of purposeful physical activity.
I don’t feel much like eating, yet simultaneously wishing most for a bottomless carton of cookies to always be at my disposal.
My face breaks out.. and my mirrors are bitchy.
I cry, in the shower.
I am not doing enough, I am not being enough.. I am not
enough.
What the hell then, am I?
Lucky for you I suppose, as reader, I hesitate blogging for a few days (even though the pull to write is always there) as to not come across as depressing and pathetic. But often holding things in, or rather letting them run wild in my head, feels harder than trying to outrun, or more to truth ‘out crawl’ my bothersome shadow.
Even as I write this, tears periodically stream down my cheeks.
But hopefully you stay with me here, and continue reading as I don’t believe this is either depressing or pathetic – what it is you see .. (hopefully you see) is real.
Real feelings, real life, real nasty hormones .. and sometimes really hard.
I don’t write these things for sympathy, or for drama. I write things down to sort them out.
To sift through irrational thoughts, of ridiculous things. And as I often say,
to ease myself through.. because I do know, so very well, when I am needing
ease.
I try to be a little more quiet and to myself, when I am fighting a battle.. within. I know when it’s coming, I can feel its weight. I try to warn those closest to me. I tell my husband, “I am going down to funky town” as tears spill for no apparent reason.
Sometimes, I tell him, “I am going under” and he can see that I need extra love, or most times, extra space.
I guess I also write things down for my kids, (should they ever happen to read this) to know me. To know that (obviously) we/I don’t always have things together, and that’s ok.
Too I suppose, I write this here for anyone who may come upon these words and maybe find something that makes them think – yeah, I get that. To simply make one think of not being so hard on yourself. We all have days when life and things, and You yourself are simply fantastic, UNSTOPPABLE!!
But then, you know.. some days you hit a wave. Or unexpectedly a wave .. hits you.
And maybe it even knocks you right off your feet.
And you find yourself scrambling for a time, trying to find which end is up. Trying desperately to regain some footing.
All I can offer you is this, and I am no expert (at anything.. we established that) – there is so much value in living gratitude.
in always acknowledging things you can be grateful
for
in simple kindness, offered to others, offered to the world,
offered to
Yourself (cause you’re gonna need it!)
Also in feeling things, in letting them come – instead of fighting against
in really feeling it
but as the lovely Jennifer Pastiloff would say, “Not wallowing in your own suckery”
Because you know, life is wonderful
And you are
Wonderful
And every day there is some little pebble of wonderful that you can collect
and slip just gently
in your pocket.
So that when your flame starts to flicker
it is there
that you can find
that little spark
you need
to light your way. ♥
*(current status: photo credit to my daughter, of her Angus – who is a lovely boy,
but you know .. a cat)
“When we meet ourselves with loving awareness and self-compassion,
we can see the beauty in others.” ~ Jack Kornfield