Tamara Willems

look who’s talking…

I happen to talk to myself a lot
and out loud
I come by this, I think in part because of
time spent in hospital, after an operation
sharing a room
with a lovely woman, whose name was Violet
Violet happened to have, I guess one would say
an intellectual disability
but there certainly wasn’t anything disabled about
Violet’s intelligence
anyway, dear Violet had a way of talking herself through pain
as we both knew we needed to move ourselves
a bit after surgeries
and I guess I picked this up

so this is something I do,
I talk myself through

this also comes from being very shy
I talk myself through stressful situations,
through anxiety
I talk myself through my day, as not to forget anything
I was meant to do
I talk myself through decisions

also as you will see, I talk myself through
the tough things
through emotions that might threaten to
through things that hurt, and things that are
hard to otherwise

it’s not ever, that I think or mean to imply here
that I know so much
most often if I sit down to write
it is just that
talking myself through…
(I also have a slight tendency to over-think, so you’ll just have to deal with me)

this morning, as I am leaving for work
head out the door quietly in the early hours
trying hard not to wake my big furry boy
from where he sleeps on the floor

waiting just at the gate for my ride
I start to hear, a soft, low moan from inside
then a little louder longer moan,
which soon becomes
a long, drawn out howl
as my boy starts to feel himself
it turns into a sad little bark

from outside, I say to myself, (*and out loud)
Awe buddy, I don’t know how that helps you?

but then I realize, I do know
how this helps you

what I can tell you is, so very many emotions
in losing someone,
and in this circumstance, in losing someone
what might sometimes feel,
their own failings

of course first it hits you right in face
like a sharp cold slap
or such a hard punch to the gut, the kind
that knocks your wind out
the weight of which then starts to settle on your brain
and your shoulders will sag
under a coat
of great

quite quickly though this coat
will start to itch
and before you know it
you feel yourself full of so much anger
for the life that has just been
tossed away

what then sometimes sneaks in there
is the slightest bit of
for the struggle that may have also started
to pull
which you will find
comes firmly attached
to guilt,
(and that’s a nasty one)
just for feeling that one brief exhale

and each one of these little gems
will break you down

but  here is the most important thing
is where you give yourself

this is where powerlessness sets in
and you try to bring yourself back
to compassion

for the fighter
who really did try

and let a softer kind of sadness
wrap itself around you

as this is not an in and out kind of ride
sometimes, for a while
it’s just a new way

maybe slip a few sweets in your pocket
and if you’re talking yourself through
don’t forget to say

I love you ♥

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