I’ve just been to pick up a book at the library, it’s called The Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit. I’m not ready for it, as I am still about 200 pages away from finishing one, but sometimes this is just how things come … maybe before we are ready, maybe, when we need them.
I miss my Aunt Pat.
She was my Faraway Nearby
We understood each other,
we learned from each other, we taught
each other
we weren’t ‘phone people’
we weren’t constantly in touch
but we stayed very much
connected
by the heart
She was
my anchor.
One of the greatest gifts of love she gave me, was late in the evening, the day of my Dad’s funeral, she called me from Texas (where she and my Uncle John wintered) and she said to me,
“How are you? How was it? You don’t have to tell me about it, just tell me, if You are ok?”
and I, completely exhausted and wrung out from the day,
and sadness, said that I was ok.
She said, “good, ok .. I’ll talk to you later..”
and it was just that short,
and that sweet,
and it meant the world to me, and still does.
I tend to read a lot of non fiction, I like learning how
people, places and things
came to be
I like the Art
of becoming
I read a lot about families
and family dynamics
and often this has me thinking about
my own family
and that silly word
dysfunction
like any of us could possibly avoid it
I guess you could say
I come from a broken home
not broken in the ‘traditional’ sense
my parents stayed married to each other
for 48 years
and were in some ways a wonderful example
of faith, commitment and love
but my father
was an alcoholic
and my parents undying love for each other
I think left hidden, and
not so hidden
bittersweet
stains
on each of our lives
I’ve written of my Dad before,
he was wonderful and smart,
loving and gentle
but he could also be
selfish in his addictions
irresponsible, and
embarrassing
he was always however,
inherently
kind
my Mother for her part
was strong, and generous
creative and caring
but she could also be
overwhelmed, and overwrought
at times irrational
and bitter
she was, and still is
always
inherently
kind
for a time
in my early twenties
my parents lived with me
and then just downstairs
from me
after I was married
and had moved away
my parents
and my Gran
moved
closer to
me
as my father’s health
rose and fell
with the nature of his disease
my Mother
rose and fell
with it
soon there was more falling
less rising
add to this
a rather tumultuous relationship
with my father-in-law
and I
in the midst of raising my own young family
tried to gather
the pieces
and just to
hold on
we all of course
bring shades of our environment
with us
when we go
and I
at one point
found myself
drowning
in the dull weight
of
dependence
buoyed by a tremendously loving
and supportive husband
I anchored myself in the love of
my little family
and made a conscious decision
to push it all out
and to keep it out
of my house
allowing only Love
to enter here
and in doing this
I was able to care for my Father
at the end of his life
to keep him safe, and to bring him Love
and gentleness, when he needed it
I was able to feel forgiveness for my Mother
when she was
unable
to cope
and we were expected
to shoulder
and I was able
to
expand
with Love
and with
Gratitude
because I made it my choice
to do so
as my saving
and every day
every
day
I continue
to make it so.
in my garden, as I wander, and these words form in my head, I stop to raise my face to the sun – and right beside me,
I mean RIGHT beside my face sits a cardinal …..
and there it is
my ‘faraway nearby’ ♥