Today.. well today is, as they say – all the feels.
Today, a day when our big maple tree is cut down, for safety. After a brief but mighty wind blew through in a thunderstorm, last week
breaking off substantial branches that came crashing down
and landed precisely at our front door. This loss although deemed necessary, feels to me
like a deep, deep
cut.
As well as concern for the gardens that grow under and around this large beauty, that will now be sacrificed in the production of its removal.
Today then, seems like a day of
lessons,
in letting go, in grief and loss
as always I will mourn the loss of another tree
on the vast landscape of
our world
a small devastation on the grand scale of many, many others
but felt… just the same
a loss for the varied birds, squirrels and insects
who have called this tree home
whose shelter, shade and comfort
we have appreciated
so very much
grief of course for the
missing
the open space of
longing
the ghost of
what had been
before
and the gardens and shrubs
that neighbour
companions of the plant
crushed and trampled, broken
now,
bruised
we’re all feeling this
I take my pictures through windows
almost afraid to look
devastation
in
progress
I become my own sort of ghost
trying not to
hover
always a finite underlining of how very much nothing…
is in our control
alongside this, there is of course
appreciation and great gratitude
for our tree, certainly
but also
for the fellows who have arrived to carefully as they can
take down a very large being
a serious business, I should think
and one where there is no way, you would find me
up there in the sky, in a bucket
chainsaw in hand, cutting off branches
limb by limb
and those below, that gather, chip and take away
while I in the house, cower at each thud
and try not to look at what
once was
or the landing site
I get a notice this morning that an old email server is shutting down and I wonder what might be still there that should need saving.
This draws me into a visit with my beloved Aunt Maureen, as what I find in my ‘saved’ files
are columns she had written for her local newspaper,
some, fourteen years ago
and particularly, bless her,
ones around the time of my dad’s death. (her younger brother)
This has me feeling, a little sadness – sure
but more so, blessed and loved.
I did love my Aunt Maureen and the great comfort she was to me at a very difficult time. How very much her voice, her lovely face, her arms and indeed her strong, kind heart mattered in my life. As well as memories of my dad’s passing, then later my Aunt Maureen too.
This then gives me my outlet for tears.
For loss, for grief
for allowing and letting things go
as they do.
But too, for gratitude and appreciation
in having known love
in having felt
loved,
and in keeping all of this
in my heart
today
and always
as a great, great blessing
of life
a forever surrounding of love ♥
“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~ Pema Chodron
