For me sometimes, it is necessary to spill things out
in words
a wise friend says, just begin… and then, keep going…
so I do,
(what I want to say to you is this,
while I hope you will continue reading – I would like to disclaim that I don’t think I actually appear the pathetic mess I have shared here. This is just to say, that some days…
are just
like this…)
Late July and I can already feel the passing of time,
and I can feel myself
holding on
tight
in a kind of please, Please Don’t Go grip
of quiet desperation
I have plans for the day, but I opt first
for a sit outside
in the sun
with the birds, and the bees
the dragonflies and monarchs
knowing my only fear of missing out
is grounded in
presence
here
looking up from my screen, I see the young robin
has come to sit nearby
so close he is, yet his body faces away
wings by his side in a gentle sort of cloak
he turns his head to look at me
while I sit
he appears to me as
kindness
which I know, I am needing
and I begin to pour out to him
my sorrows
how I have once again hit
the soft shoulder of the road
how I can feel myself meandering along
the ditch
how yesterday began with a feeling that I
am failing at life
how this stays with me all day
even though I know
it is not true
it continues to work its way through
how I am right now on the verge of tears
for things I can’t identify or just cannot
explain
can I again tell you how awful this feels
how it nags, how it pulls one
under
even though I know well, its cause
and too that it will pass
never really seems to make it any easier
when I have finished this part, I realize my robin
has gone
a tiny chipmunk has taken his place
and so I try to tell him, how I am not usually
this grim
and how much I do appreciate the company
I wish I had something more to offer him
for tea
still he seems kind enough to just sit
and listen
I worry sometimes if I am hard to love,
in this state of
bruising
so easily
(wells of self pity gather in the corner of my eyes)
much like my husband, this chippy
hasn’t much to say
possibly wonders if I have been replaced by
some strange foreign object
I pause for a few moments to check and see
if I am wishfully
feeling any
lighter (doesn’t work this way..)
drink your water , he says
and then he goes… over the fence
greener pastures and all that,
a hawk flies over, ask for what you need, he calls
as he sails across the sky
I need love and kindness, I need freedom and space
I need gentle words and sympathy
I need quiet, I need reprieve
from my own internal chattering
I need you here and… to be left
alone
then the cicada starts to
sing
drowning out my gibberish
and I listen as farther away echos
in harmony
quietly then I whisper,
what is it I have to give
after I have spilled it all out…
here,
the dove begins a gentle coo
the breeze blows through the trees
I look up, feel my self consciously
exhale
a small grey cloud moves away
from the sun
shadows of dancing leaves caress my skin
while directly in front of me bees are busy
gathering sweetness
and I think to myself
now that is a way, to spend your days…
and how most days
it is a good idea to accept it
just the way
it comes to you
and then again, when you are able
to offer the same
to just one living
thing
as if the beauty of your life
depended on it ♥